The first hurdle - the hospital

Its one of those places that if you take a visit you wouldn't want to stay for long - it brings life, joy, sadness and death. All very different emotions for every single one of us. Once you enter its like entering your own dream, a nightmare or a trance, outside life seems to stand still and all that you truly hang on to is the hope that everything will be manageable when you return to that world. Whether it be a routine appointment, a visit to a loved one who is sick , a job that you do, bringing a  new life to the world or just taking care of someone, you have that feeling of anxiety, of not knowing what is truly going to be. 

We certainly felt this with our visit this time. It was 22nd December 2015, it was supposed to be Christmas, an enjoyable time for our family. Instead we found ourselves in a children's ward which was warm, smelt clinical and felt a million miles away from comfort. 

Oliver had already had a urine test , blood tests and 2 insulin injections. He didn't understand why we couldn't go home just yet.
I had to make it sound like we were on an adventure and that mummy and Oliver would sleep here together for a few nights - he accepted the adventure story but replied with "I hope we can go on better adventures soon mummy"...... this just made my heart melt - all of a sudden questions were buzzing in my head - how do we ever go on holiday again, how will we relax, this is the end.  He wanted Grace as he always kisses her goodnight and hadn't seen her all day.

I had finally managed to calm him down from his initial nervous tantrum when the nurse walked in. It was late at night and Oliver had had enough of needles and finger pricks already. But we were told we needed to do another one before bed time. He got so distressed over this, I remember sat thinking how are we going to get through this , they've told us his blood sugar has to be tested at least 4 times a day - that's 4 finger pricks a day - he cant even stomach one right now - to be honest nor did I want to watch it happen. I felt that I just wanted to pick him up and run away as fast as I could, just to escape and carry on with life as we were doing.

I knew deep down I couldn't do this and had no choice but to face this with him, it made me feel sick to the stomach, why was this happening, why him why not me, I just wanted to take it away from him as if it was a monster that i wished would leave him alone and turn on me. 

I lay down staring endlessly at the ceiling - lets face it I was unlikely to get to sleep, buzz-buzz bing-bing - the machines going off behind each curtain-and every time the nurses running down to check on us, which in the middle of the night could only sound to me like a heard of elephants. It was at this point - I had time to think. I am in the best place possible for Oliver - I needed to find the strength to do this for him. I knew that he didn't understand any of it - to him the nurses were there to cause him pain and I had to turn this around to a positive otherwise he would never come back.It was hard as id find myself doing a full loop and coming back to those same questions -'Why him, why us'. 

I started reading some of the many information leaflets that had been given - I could see the stories of many other children with type one, but all of them seemed to be alot older - with all booklets pointing towards the 'children are most likely to be diagnosed after the age of 5'. Clearly this wasn't the case and again we seemed to fit in to the 1 in ........ chance. After all Diabetes does not run in our family - in fact I didn't know anyone with type one diabetes, I again felt alone and such a mixed bag of emotions - fireworks bouncing from every area of my brain- It felt frazzled. If it was me I could run and block it all out with the hope of it sinking in one day. But this is my child - my 2 year old child - he needed me.

After looking back on this day- 18 months down the line - I still ask myself those same questions. It took a long time but we now know that its ok to accept those feelings - those fireworks of emotions, its a normal process. The important part is to come out the other side- we have learnt to accept Diabetes is now part of our family, we've shown it can beat us and more importantly some days we beat it! Diabetes is here to stay in our lives but it will not define Oliver. 

Type 1 is a constant challenge as it never 'does what it says on the tin' but one day we live in hope that we will win the war as we pray for a cure. There are others out there you can turn to - support groups - other children, other families so when we feel alone lets not be afraid to turn to them- we all need support sometimes.